Home Members Poppy Eveling News from A Broad Addiction

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  • Addiction
    10 July 2014

    How shall I put this? I am an addict.

  • Magical Thinking
    6 May 2014

    It's a sign...

  • Avoidance tactics or should that be antics
    2 May 2014

    Hang on a minute, I just have to go and put the kettle on before I start writing….

  • A Kerfuffle, in German
    17 April 2014

    Which involves keys, bowel cancer and some new vocabulary

  • My Flat
    15 April 2014

    My flat is tiny. There is no other way to say it.

  • Standing still for a bit
    10 April 2014

    Well, here I am, and here I will be for at least six months, which is a sort of relief. Here is Cologne and more specifically, a very small flat (about which, more later) in the no-man’s land between Weidenpesch and Longerich, neither of which places is a heaving mass of people, culture and excitement, but it’s green and with an U-Bahn round the corner, everything is accessible, sort of.

Thursday, 10 July 2014


How shall I put this? I am an addict.

Yup, that sounds really good doesn’t it? All glamorous and exciting and in need to drastic action.

But it’s not. The really, really sad thing about this is that I am currently addicted to watching TV series. I could spend hours, days even, just clicking on the next episode of the current series I am addicted to and my life would pass quite happily by and I wouldn’t mind.

I am currently fighting the urge not to write this and to watch ‘just’ one more episode. But then that would turn into three and, whoosh, the morning would be gone and I wouldn’t have done any of the more useful things that are essential to having an actual life.

After I had forced myself to switch the machine off and go to bed yesterday evening, I lay awake wondering about this addiction. In so many ways it is like some other addictions. Life is pretty crap but when I am drunk it seems slightly less crap and I may even enjoy it. Life hurts a lot but when I am out of my head on the drug of choice, the pain recedes and life is okay for a bit. Life is disappointing but if I watch another episode, I can participate in someone else’s life and mine will just pass without having to bother with it.

I am not equating this pathetic addiction of mine with serious ones, merely saying that the effect is similar. For the forty minutes or hour that I am sitting here watching nonsense on the TV, I am surrounded by other people’s lives, their pain, their joys. I do not have to think about mine. The script is perfect, all the ends neatly tied up, tears do not disfigure, people deliver the lines that we would all have loved to deliver but never get round to. This is an easy world to live in and engage with. It gets sorted out and when it is sad, there is always a happy moment coming. I can sit and laugh and cry at all that happens without having to make any effort, or without really feeling.

Like the actors, I can for a while pretend that it is all real, I can have a life that is perfectly scripted and I don’t even have to go out for the front door. And it is so addictive. I used to do this with detective novels and now it’s TV series. It’s hiding, it’s staying at home safe and living my life second or third hand. It’s not looking out of the window because the screen is more appealing. And it has to stop.

The problem with that is the effort that is involved in actually making my life more appealing than a TV series. When friends and family die in real life, it is shit. It is not a glib exploration of the stages of grief, beautifully acted and wonderfully resolved, usually in five minutes. It is messy and painful and horrid and lasts for years and years. And that is why this must stop. I can no longer hide in other people’s lives, especially not fictitious people’s lives, not matter how interesting or appealing it seems. I have to leave the screen with all its bright shiny feelings and easy resolutions and leap into the muck and mire that is real life.

But just let me watch one last episode….